There’s cereal at my mom’s but the milk is expired, and I’m already late for school so I don’t have time to scramble eggs (which we don’t have) or mix Bisquick (which we also don’t have), so I’m hungry as hell. If I didn’t sleep through two alarms, I would’ve stopped by the bodega for a butter roll and a Sunkist and been on my merry way down Fifth Ave. to the bus stop. But I got nothing but a growling stomach and a few sips from the water fountain outside Ms. Carter’s class, which I ran to, by the way, completely avoiding the ISS room altogether. In elementary school, I used to always be jealous of white kids with moms who put lunch in a bag with their name on it. My mom never had time for that−−she’s a social butterfly and a single mom and not very nice at all. That’s why when she found out I was hanging around Tevin’s place with some of the kids from school she was like, “At least he got food there,” and didn’t say another word about it. Plus, I’m thirteen now, which to her might as well be a grown ass woman.
But Tevin is mad at me, and therefore I’m not eating up all his food like usual, so I’m just here, hungry, wondering why they don’t start school at a reasonable time so a bitch like me can get a snack. It’s not even nine o’ clock and they think we’re supposed to be alive, awake, alert, enthusiastic, but I’m like dead, asleep, hungry, pissed the hell off.
“Pick your head up, D’asia!” Ms. Carter says, because my head’s down on the desk and she’s a shrew. I pick it up slow, rolling my eyes. I almost say “for what?” but if I get in trouble again, I’ll get ISS. It’s dumb though because it’s Homeroom and all we do is pass notes and text each other while she writes out her lesson plan for the next period. But my head is up now, and I see the soccer field outside with the sun blasting on it and I wish I could just lay out there and eat the grass instead of sitting in this chair at this dumb desk feeling hungry and tired and stupid.
Kay sits in front of me and she turns around to pass me a Gushers like she can read my mind.
◆
When we’re at Tevin’s, he orders us pizza, Chinese, anything you could think of, and his fridge is stocked with sandwich meat, frozen dinners, Coke, Sprite, everything. Dessert. He has a Playstation and gets new games like every week and we all take turns playing, but whenever I want to play he makes them let me. I’m kind of a brat about it, honestly, but he doesn’t seem to mind. Everyone knows I’m Tevin’s best friend out of all the kids from school, so they just have to deal with it.
I knew Tevin as security at school and from the ISS room, of course, but we really met when I was the only person in there one day, and he just talked to me like I was a regular person, not a delinquent or a dumb kid. I told him about my mom and how she gets mad and how she don’t notice or care if I’m sad, happy, hungry. Later that week, he gave me a ride home after school and took me to Stop & Shop and we got a bunch of Swanson dinners and some frozen vegetables and a bottle of Coke. “Share it with your mom,” he said in front of the apartment, then we hugged and I tried hard not to cry. I didn’t want him to think I was sad when I was actually happier than I’d been in probably years.
◆
I don’t care about Earth Science and neither does Mr. Plummer, so we’re watching October Sky again. I could probably recite this shit by heart.
Kay slips me a note when she could’ve just whispered, but whatever.
Do you want to go to Tevin’s after lunch, it says.
School is trash and I would love to leave but getting in trouble means ISS with Tevin and I don’t want to be stuck in there with him right now. Plus, he said it’s best if I don’t go back to his house for a while.
I don’t have time or energy to explain all this to Kay, so I just whisper “For what?”
I can’t explain rite now, she writes back.
Tevin gave me a key to his apartment for emergencies, not for me and Kay to play Madden and eat Doritos.
I could definitely use some Doritos, though, and some pizza or a sandwich. We could probably be really careful with our mess and make it back in time for English and nobody would even know.
“I gotta make it back for sixth,” I whisper.
“Ladies!” Mr. Plummer says, louder than the TV. “I’m sure you two don’t wanna get in-school suspensions?”
In a different world, I yell, That’s exactly what the fuck I’m sayin!
In this world, I keep my mouth shut.
◆
We’re making a cake in Home and Careers today. Well, not actually⎯we’re watching a cooking show where somebody else makes a cake. I can’t wait to have a baby so I can make her a cake like this for her birthday. And I’ll make her eggs for breakfast, a turkey sandwich for lunch, whatever she wants for dinner. I’ll name her Riley.
I like this class, even though it’s bootleg, because it teaches me stuff my mom never learned. My mom is always too busy to listen to my problems, or she doesn’t care, or she’s too mad to get where I’m coming from. At least it’s not like it used to be, when I was littler and she would beat my ass. She used to hit me with whatever was lying around. She threw punches. She kicked. Now she’s just quick to pop me on the back of the head, or slap me in my face here and there. I don’t fight her back even though I do know how to fight at this point. I’m not sure what I’m waiting for−−I’ve beaten an ass or two afterschool, but I feel like when I finally fight my mom, something’s gonna change. If she wins, it’s a wrap for me.
I want to be a mom really bad. I know girls who get pregnant young and I feel jealous of what’s coming for them. They get something warm and heavy on their chest at night, someone waiting up for them, someone who can give them everything they need. If that was me, I’d drop out of school and get my GED, work all day and night for my baby. Struggle. Never hit her.
When Tevin found out what my mom was really like, he started letting me sleep on his couch. We’d stay up late eating popcorn and watching TV until I fell asleep, and I’d wake up to him touching me on my shoulder, telling me it’s time to get ready for school. He’d make me bacon sometimes, and pancakes, too, and he sometimes used to give me five dollars so I could get a Premium lunch, which includes a 20 oz. Fruitopia. After a couple times of sleeping over, he said I should bring some clothes to his house. I keep some stuff in his hall closet, in a cubby he cleared just for me.
◆
“There go Dante,” Kay says, pointing across the bleachers in Gym. There do go Dante.
Me and Dante are not friends anymore. He told everybody we were hooking up, and we were, but he didn’t ask me if he could tell everybody and now the whole school thinks I’m some kind of dick-sucking-knob-goblin and boys who never even talked to me before blow kisses at me from across the room and laugh with their friends like my whole shit is some big joke.
The day when I found out he told, I walked strategically past ISS crying, and when Tevin saw me, he left the room and walked with me over to the stairwell by the courtyard nobody used. He hugged me like a baby and told me to be very careful who I give my gifts to. High school boys aren’t gonna respect you, he promised.
We sat on the steps ‘til I was done crying. He said he understood my hormones are going crazy, of course they are. He laughed and said his do too, still, even at his age. It’s part of growing up that never goes away. But there’s a lot attached to it. So, wait, or do it with someone you’re sure got love for you. I told him me and Dante didn’t really do it, and he looked relieved and said, “Good.”
The next day he pulled me out of Home and Careers, which security does all the time because the intercom systems don’t work so they gotta escort kids to the office or bring them messages and stuff. We went to the stairwell and he gave me a plain cardboard box with a little bow on it.
My birthday wasn’t for three months and it was nowhere near Christmas. It’s not like people give me gifts left and right, so I was shocked.
“Open it,” he said. He was basically whispering even though we were alone.
Inside the box it was a small pink rod the size of a tampon.
“What is it?” I asked, like a dummy.
“It’s for you,” he said. “It’s a little toy. It’s to hold you over until you find a boy that deserves you. One that’ll treat you good.”
Tevin did a lot of things I knew I was supposed to keep secret⎯chillin at his house, going to the stairwell to snack instead of staying in class. This time, he said it out loud. “Don’t tell anybody.”
So I didn’t. Not even Kay.
I’d always known I could make myself cum with my pillows and my hands, but never so quickly as I could with Tevin’s gift. My new toy fit in my pocket like it coulda been a chapstick. That night, I used it over and over and over until I fell asleep. At school the next day, I went into the one-person stall and put it on my spot and covered my mouth with my other hand, then went back to History like nothing even happened.
I thought the vibrator was a secret for me, a thing I could keep to myself. But Tevin asked about it a few days later, when it was just the two of us at his apartment. We were playing Soul Blade and he beat me but I didn’t care. I was thinking about cumming.
He said, “You seem happier lately.”
I said, “Maybe I am.”
He put his controller down. “So how are things goin with Dante Simmons?” I fixed my mouth to answer, but he didn’t wait. “That boy does not deserve you and I hope you never forget that.”
I didn’t care about Dante. When we hooked up, he didn’t even touch me, really, besides the back of my head when he pushed it down into his lap.
“It’s fine,” I said. “I’m not really thinkin bout him much anymore.”
“That kid is a piece of shit. He’s gonna have a real hard time in the world with that nasty attitude and those dusty ass shoes.”
It felt good to hear Tevin talk shit about Dante. Tevin saw all the kids in the school for who they really were. I wondered if that was the difference between men and boys.
“I bet he didn’t even make you feel good. High school boys got no idea what they’re doing.”
“You’re right about that.”
He said, “By the way, if you ever wanna bring your toy over here and use it, you can.”
I must’ve looked shocked⎯I mean, I was a little shocked⎯because suddenly he put up his hands in defense. “I’m sorry D’asia, I’m not tryna make you uncomfortable.” I don’t know why I thought he’d never bring it up again, but I felt embarrassed. Before I had to talk about it, I felt on top of the world. Like a real woman. Now, all I could think about was how much time I’d spent with it at home. How hard it was to focus on anything else. How I had it in my pocket as we talked.
“Do you like it?” He sounded nervous, too.
“I do!” I said. I didn’t want him to feel bad.
He breathed heavy. “That’s a relief.” He looked at the TV, but didn’t touch the controller. “Do you have it on you now?”
“No,” I lied.
“That’s okay. I’m glad you like it,” he said, smiling, looking at me now. “When you’re eighteen, I’ll show you something even better.”
That’s when I got so pissed I wanted to throw my controller across the room. I was tired of feeling underestimated, of people treating me like I was some kid, when meanwhile my mom didn’t give me the time of day so I was basically on my own in that way, and I also felt like, okay, if I’m a kid, then how am I making myself feel so good all the time? If I was a kid, why did he give me a vibrator in the first place?
“You think I can’t handle it now?” I didn’t mean that I wanted Tevin to try something⎯I don’t think⎯I just meant I was tired of people telling me what I am and what I’m not.
“I know you can handle anything. You’re the strongest girl I know. I’m just saying maybe it’s not worth risking our friendship.”
I wanted to grab my shit and go, but I had nowhere better to go and barely any shit. So I sat there.
“My bad,” he said. “How bout this? Why don’t I just show you a little something. I don’t know if you’re ready, but I can try?” I didn’t respond. “What if I just show you something with my mouth?”
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t say no.
He stared at me though, and I just kept sitting there looking at him, couldn’t even tell you what I was thinking, but he leaned over and I thought he was gonna kiss my mouth but instead, he kissed me on my neck. No one had ever done that to me before, and I wanted it to feel good, but it felt bad, actually. I leaned away from his mouth like I was gonna fall over on my side, and scooted over to the other end of the couch.
“Okay,” he said. “That’s fine. I didn’t think you thought about me like that, anyway.”
Truth is I do think about Tevin like that, but only when I watch movies where the best friends fall in love at the end. I don’t want to kiss him now, but in a few years I might. I think he has the traits of a good father: great with kids, cares about people, has a job. I can see myself in my early twenties falling in love with him after I have some other relationships that don’t go well. Maybe we’ll kiss in the rain or something, or he’ll run through an airport to stop me from flying off to college. Maybe he’s right about when I’m eighteen. But that was over a week ago, and now he’s not talking to me at all.
I should’ve just let him keep going and given it a chance instead of getting mad. He’s had enough of me, now. He didn’t take my key back or anything yet, but I haven’t been over since. I wonder if anything’s changed. Even though, of course it has.
◆
The train doesn’t stop in our town. It stops in White Plains, which is twenty minutes away on the bus, and Irvington, fifteen minutes away on a different bus. I don’t have anywhere to take the train to, I’m just saying.
Me and Kay walk along the tracks toward Tevin’s.
“Why you so quiet?” Kay says like she’s pissed. I know we’re cool and she’s never really pissed at me, but still. I hate that I keep letting people down.
“I got a lot on my mind,” I tell her. “My bad.”
“Is it about Dante?”
“Fuck a Dante.”
“Then what?” She stares and stares at me and I don’t say anything. “Remember when we used to be friends? And we would tell each other stuff?”
“I’ll tell you,” I say, and try to think of a lie. I can’t tell her right now, out here, like this, but I can’t concentrate enough to talk about anything else. “I’m just hungry. I didn’t really have dinner last night and no breakfast today.”
“Well,” she says, sharp, “Sounds like you need to eat more.”
We’re quiet.
“I need to stop at CVS,” Kay says.
“For what?”
She shrugs. “I just need to get something.” I want to push her for more info, but she keeps going. “There something you’re not telling me?”
I’m not sure how I can explain any of the truth without telling Kay about the vibrator. He said everyone will be jealous and hate me, and he could lose his job if the school finds out how close we are.
“There’s this boy from out of town,” I lie.
She stops walking. “Time out. You’re seeing a boy from out of town? That I never even heard of?”
“I don’t know, like I love him but it’s… not good.” She’s waiting. “He’s older.”
“Like how much older?”
“Nineteen,” I say. Tevin’s thirty.
She looks at me like she sucked on a lemon. “Where’d you meet a nineteen-year-old?”
I laugh and keep lying. “The mall.”
“When did you go to the mall without me?”
“I don’t know, just some time, okay?”
“And anyway, what that got to do with you sleeping in class all day and being a quiet weirdo bitch to me?”
“He’s mad at me and I don’t know how to fix it.” I don’t want to cry but I can feel it bubbling up. “He been getting mad at me a lot but this time it feels different.”
“Did you talk to Tevin about it?” she asks.
“No,” I say. “Why would I talk to Tevin about it?”
“I don’t know, he always got something to say when I have trouble with boys.”
“Oh,” I say. I feel like I’m losing my breath. I’m afraid I’m going to burst. “Like, what does he say?”
“He always be like you deserve better, those boys ain’t worth your time, bladda blah. He says all boys are dogs but like, okay then, what are you?”
“You think he’s a dog?”
“Yes,” she says immediately. I wait for her to say more, but she just keeps walking.
I can’t hold it in anymore. “He bought me a vibrator.”
Kay doesn’t flinch. “Yeah, we already know you’re his favorite.”
I expected her to rage when I told her. I don’t press it because we’re at CVS and she’s not looking at me anymore, and I can tell something’s up.
“Be cool,” she says, and pushes open the swing door.
Our school has an open campus, so we’re allowed to leave during lunch, and most people do. Some older kids with cars drive out to White Plains to get Wendy’s, and the rest of us either stay in the cafeteria or go down to Main Street to get butter rolls or CVS. I don’t have any money, so while Kay speeds away from me I walk over to the cookie and chip aisle and just stare. All the colors, all the flavors, I want it all and I can’t get none. I almost grab a pack of Nutter Butters and slip them into my pocket, but Kay’s next to me suddenly. “Let’s go,” she says. I follow her to the door, and she waves bye to the person standing behind the cash register who’s ringing up an old lady. When we pass the sensors, the alarm goes off, and we run without looking back. CVS has a no-chasing policy, but they also have a no-stealing policy, so it’s anybody’s game, really. Kay never really steals and she’s never been caught but some of our friends have. I definitely would’ve taken the Nutter Butters if I knew we were gonna run, and we run and run until we get three blocks and two lefts away. We crouch over with our palms on our knees, panting.
“What was that about?” I ask. “What you take?”
She’s breathing so hard. Can’t catch a breath. “We’re almost there,” she finally says, and stands up straight to walk.
◆
Tevin’s place looks the same. I remind Kay not to make a mess.
She goes right to the bathroom and I go right to the fridge. I take out one of the boxes of Stouffer’s French Bread Pizza, and pop two into the toaster oven, one for me and one for Kay. Take out a loaf of bread, a jar of mayo, some cheese and turkey. Open a bag of Cool Ranch and eat them slowly, over the garbage. I’m trying to fit whole chips in my mouth, trying to be so careful. He probably won’t notice the missing food⎯ there’s so much of it⎯but he’ll notice a spill, or a crumb, or anything where it doesn’t belong.
Kay comes out of the bathroom some minutes later with a white stick in her hand.
“So,” she says. “This what I stole.”
She holds it up and I walk over to see that it’s a pregnancy test. “What?” I say. How would she be pregnant? “How?” I ask. “Who?”
“Who do you think?” she says. “Don’t be stupid now.” But I feel stupider than ever. My mind is blank and static and jumbled. “Bitch, Tevin,” she tells me.
When? I wondered. What about me? “And you think I’m the favorite?”
She looks like she wants to fight me.
“What are you gonna do?” is all I can think to say.
“Get an abortion, dummy,” she says. “Are you kidding me?”
Lots of people have abortions and they’re better off for it. But I’m sad for Kay to have one. If I had a baby, I would keep it. Plus, she has no money. Abortions cost $500. Couples split it and Kay doesn’t have $250, and it’s not something you can steal.
“I took a test yesterday but he said sometimes they’re wrong. He said to take another one in a week, but I didn’t wanna wait,” she says.
Tevin’s a big dude and he smells like cigarettes sometimes and he sweats a lot, and when he’s wearing a white tee, he gets clowned for his pit stains. Kay had sex before with an older cousin she’s not related to by blood but it was so long ago, meaning that she was so young, she’s not sure it counted. She also said it was painful and she hated it, so she planned to wait until marriage or college. I wonder how it went this time. Did she like it? Did he ask first?
I haven’t had sex in that way yet. When I was eleven, my mom showed me a spot under the sink where she keeps condoms. She said it’s none of her business what I do and don’t do. She had me when she was seventeen, and I never really thought about her having sex until that moment in the bathroom. Did she start when she was my age? Was that normal? I had so many questions, but when I started to ask, she put up a hand and said, “None of my business,” and walked out. I put a condom in my book bag just in case.
I asked Dante, once, if he wanted to have sex, like not just me give him head, and he jerked his neck back in surprise. “I didn’t know you was that kinda girl,” he said. So we never went there. He said he didn’t need it. He didn’t ask what I needed. He did have pretty eyes and a nice shape-up, but otherwise not much else.
“Was it just one time?” I ask Kay. “Or was it more than once?”
“Who fucking cares?” she says, and I do, a lot, but I’m trying to be a good friend.
“Have you thought about having the baby?”
Kay shrugs. “A little. But I got no money, no job. I’m fourteen, like, how I’mma have a baby?”
“I bet you could say you’re fifteen and work at Cheddars,” I say. “Chantrelle can get you a job. You can get your GED and then get a real job in a couple years. And I think Miss Saeeda would probably give you a discount at her daycare. She loves you.”
“Tevin said he can’t afford another baby. And he says I’m too young.”
I hear her, but I’m not really hearing her.
“I can help you,” I say. She looks up at me like she’s not annoyed by me anymore. “I’ll get my GED too. We’ll both get jobs at Cheddars in a couple years and work opposite shifts.” My heart starts to swell.
“I guess my mom could help me, too,” Kay says. “I didn’t tell her yet but when Jelani got pregnant, my mom stepped up and helped her out.”
I’d heard Kay’s mom complain about Kay’s sister Jelani when she wasn’t around, though. If I really think about it, I don’t know any good moms. But I think we could be. I feel protective of our baby-to-be.
“I think it’ll be okay. My mom said it always works itself out.” My mom never really told me how it works itself out, but it obviously does because here I am, alive. There’s a picture of me and her on the fridge at home where I’m on her hip holding a bottle to my mouth and she’s holding me real tight and smiling bigger than I’ve ever seen her smile in real life. I don’t know what I could’ve possibly did to make her so happy, but she says I was a really good baby, and she loved kissing me on my soft head. Before I got so hardheaded, she said. I can see it so clearly: Kay with a baby on her hip, me putting its little shoes on and tickling the feet, kissing it all over. “I think you’d be a really good mom,” I say.
“Tevin said he doesn’t think I would.”
“Well, he doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about.”
Kay smiles.
I forget about the pizza til I hear the timer ding.
◆
I don’t make it to English, or History, or back to school at all. I do make a bomb ass turkey sandwich for myself, and a bigger one for Kay and the baby. We eat the pizza and the sandwiches and some chips and some ice cream, but don’t clean it up, leave the crusts out on the plates in front of us. We get so full that all we can do is lay back on Tevin’s couch with our feet on the coffee table, Kay’s head on my shoulder ‘til she falls asleep with her hands crossed over her belly. We wake up when a key starts jingling in the door. Tevin’ll come in and see us here, full as fuck and covered in crumbs, everything a mess. He won’t know what to do with himself.