My next-door neighbours are really bad at fucking. It’s painful; I can hear them every third or fourth night just sort of futilely scrambling around on top of each other. Basically, everything about what they do — the pacing, the duration, their dismal climaxes — is wrong. They aren’t even compatible body shapes: she’s a ball and he’s a stick. When I put my ear up to the wall, they seem so furtive and quiet, all I hear is the occasional stifled moan or “Shh, he’ll hear us.” Plus, judging by the creaking, it sounds like they do it on a hide-a-bed; I can clearly picture his gangly marionette limbs flopping off the sides of it, while her back gets jarred against the bar in the middle at infrequent intervals. Sometimes, it’s all I can do to stop myself from busting through the wall and showing them how it’s done. They’re in such sad need of a mentor.

Which is why I’ve been trying to gently instruct them from my side of the partition; my goal is not to humiliate them with my own prowess, but simply to act as a role model, in order to hopefully increase theirs. I push my bed so that the headboard is right up against the wall around dinner time, usually 7:30 or so. They must be the only people on the planet who don’t watch TV while they eat, so I know they can hear us. My partner Chyna and I wait until we can hear cutlery on plates and then begin.

Now, lovemaking is meant to be a progression; Brad and Rosa next door are way too eager and, as a result, often miss several key steps in the buildup.  Chyna and I like to begin the lessons with some passionate kissing, followed by a little over-the-clothes and a little under-the-clothes groping, before moving on to oral. This is where an appropriately-sized mate becomes vital; in order to simultaneously pleasure each other, you really do need to be similar heights. I selected Chyna because we’re both 5’2”, for example. Next, we work on establishing a slow, steady rhythm. Frankly, I don’t know why Rosa puts up with what she does; Brad needs to learn that you can’t just start a lawnmower with one yank, it needs to be primed first. The headboard should start by lightly tapping the wall and then steadily increase in frequency and volume until a regular hammering is maintained. It’s also important that you acknowledge your partner’s efforts with appreciative noises and vocalizations. Chyna tends to be fairly silent, so sometimes I will go falsetto and do her parts for her, just so that Brad and Rosa don’t misunderstand and think it’s all about pleasing me. Finally, unlike what I hear through the wall, an orgasm should be like a shotgun blast, not like a stone casually skipped across the surface of a pond. One should be left quaking and panting; seeing as Chyna can’t pant, I usually undo one of the plugs on her back and squeeze her so the air is released in gasps that match my own.

I deeply hope that my neighbours are paying attention and making mental, if not physical, notes on what I’m achieving, but so far, I haven’t really noticed any improvements on their side. I often hear them giggling and worry that they’re not yet mature enough to really absorb the benefits of my teachings. Perhaps I should reconsider my method, just fold Chyna under my arm, go knock on their door and offer my services in person. Maybe, like me, they’re merely visual learners.